La douleur exquise or Stacey’s life in three words

La douleur exquise is the story of my life. I always want what I can’t have, I never learn from my previous mistakes and I keep trying for the unattainable.

It happens in love, work, and friendship.

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve anything. Like I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be loved by someone. I don’t deserve to be in a reciprocated relationship. I must always be the one in pain, the one who’s longing for someone they can’t have, who doesn’t want her back, who would never want her back.

My question is, how did this happen?

At what point in my life did I decide that I didn’t deserve love? Was the feeling always there? Has every decision I’ve made resulted from a little voice in my head telling me that I was never good enough? Did something happen when I was younger that I pushed to the inner recesses of my brain that I can’t recall? Have I been rejected so many times that I’ve given up trying?

Yep. That’s it.

I’ve simply given up. Every time I try, I’m rejected. Every time someone wants me, they’re already taken. Every time someone shows an interest in me, they discover the real me, and leave soon after.

Maybe I am destined to be alone. Some people just are. They their live life watching as their friends and family fall in love, get married, and have children. They become honorary aunts and uncles to their friends’ children. They sit home at night, listening to love songs, wondering why nothing has worked out for them. They watch TV shows and snarl at every couple because they’ll never have what they have – even the bickering couples.

Or maybe that’s just me.

And people will say that I have to go out and meet people or they’ll say, “You’re still young! You have plenty of time!” Do I really have plenty of time? I’m almost 42 years-old. I think my expiration date has come and gone.

At this point, if by some miracle, I do meet someone, fall in love, and heaven forbid, they actually love me back just as much, I’m too old to have a child. And what are the chances that I’d meet someone in my age range who’s never been married and who isn’t undesirable?

Oh God, that’s me.

I’m that person you always hear about. The weirdo who’s still single in their 40s. The person who wasn’t good enough for anyone in her 20s and 30s so why would she be good enough now?

Random thoughts: 1/9/16

It is time for my first random thoughts post of 2016. It has been a while since I’ve written one, but if you have been reading this blog for a while, or you just know how my brain works, you know what to expect.

Enjoy!

  • After feeling legitimately awful for the better part of two months, I finally feel more like myself. I’m not as hopeless as I was in December, which was a real low point. In fact, I may even be feeling a bit hopeful. Imagine that?
  • I have no idea what caused this sudden turnaround, and it’s possible that the holidays ending may have contributed to it, but I am not complaining. I will ride this wave of optimism for as long as I can without falling over or wiping out.
  • It would be so nice for me to have a good even year. The last good even year I had was 2000. I am way overdue. 2002? Meh. 2004? Bleh. 2006? Ugh. 2008? Ugh again. 2010? Almost ended it all. 2012? More meh. 2014? Fuck that year. So I really need 2016 to be a good one. Please?
  • I’m not even asking for much. I just want a year when my heart isn’t broken, I don’t have a breakdown, I don’t lose another longtime friendship, I don’t lose someone close to me and I don’t lose a cat.
  • I hope I didn’t jinx myself.
  • I love soccer. I have no idea why it took me so long to get into it, but I am glad I did. It’s a lot of fun.
  • Baseball needs to start soon. I’m a better baseball writer when it’s actually happening. I’m not one of those people who can come up with things to write about during the offseason that aren’t a look back in some way. That’s kind of bad, I know.
  • I am currently looking for writing gigs on Craigslist. I have done a lot of different types of writing the past five years and I think that variety could help me get a job. I’d prefer to work from home, but if I needed to go into the city for a job, I’d be all for it if I could write all day and be around other writers.
  • Of course, that’s a long shot. I’m old and the people going for the same jobs are nearly 20 years younger than me.
  • Wow, that’s depressing.
  • Good job, Stace.
  • Nope, I won’t be negative. I will be positive. Damn it.
  • My brother came home and interrupted my train of thought.
  • What was I talking about?
  • Oh yes, writing jobs.
  • I think it could be fun writing about something other than baseball. I need to challenge myself and I said I wanted to do that in 2016.
  • I may apply to three jobs for which I’m qualified and one I’m not, just to see what happens.
  • Knowing my luck I’ll be contacted about the job for which I have no qualifications because that’s my life.
  • My list of unfamiliar words is growing exponentially. Some of them are really fancy though and I’m not sure I can work them into anything I write. We’ll see.
  • But again, I do like a challenge.
  • Speaking of a challenge, I’m challenging myself to finish at least one of the manuscripts I started years ago. I’m leaning toward the one that’s over 73K words. The one that’s 30K words was started way back in 2003 and technology has changed so much that I would have to do a complete overhaul with a lot of the scenes. Or I could make it a nostalgia piece about the early aughts. We’ll see.
  • Remember answering machines? Remember what life was like before everyone had smartphones, iPads and iPods? It seems like it was 50 years ago.
  • I need subtitles when watching the Real Housewives of Cheshire. Their accents are so thick and they’re all speaking English! It’s amazing.
  • My brother offered to give me money so I can get a haircut. Isn’t that sweet? I haven’t had one since August 2014. A week before my dad went into the hospital.
  • I wanted to grow out my hair because the short hair reminds me of him dying. I know, that seems weird, but I can’t help it.
  • Maybe I’ll cut it short again in a few years.
  • Or maybe I’ll grow it down to my ass.
  • Kidding.
  • Or am I?
  • I’d really like to get my hair colored. The grays are out of control. I get it, I’ll be 42 on my next birthday, but come on, hair follicles! Why are you doing this to me?
  • I washed my dirty makeup brushes while I was watching Arsenal’s match this morning. I’m so good at multitasking.
  • Do you think I can mention that as an example of it in a job interview?
  • “Are you good at multi tasking?” “Why yes! I can wash makeup brushes and watch soccer at the same time!”
  • Maybe not.
  • There’s a lady on RHOC (Cheshire) who looks a look like Elizabeth Hurley.
  • And there’s another one who’s a cross between Leona Lewis and Scary Spice. What’s her real name again? Mel B.? Right?
  • Kat von D’s liquid lipstick in Lolita is the best shade ever. EVER. I need like 15 tubes of it.
  • I’ve always been a lipstick girl. People have always said that my lips are my best feature so I like to have something on them when I go out. That color made them look so good.
  • I remember one time in college, I was checking a book or three out out of the library and one of the women at the front desk said, “I love that lipstick color. What is it?” If I recall correctly, it was a Revlon lipstick, it was a shimmery shade of brown, and it may have had NY in the name. It was one of my go-to colors in 1995-96 when I wasn’t wearing red.
  • Red was my going out and getting drunk color. My suite mates used to call it “Fuck Me Red” lipstick which was hilarious because I was a virgin throughout college.
  • I was such a good girl at school. Plus, my suite mates hooked up enough that I could live vicariously through them.
  • Now I regret not hooking up more in college, but you live and learn. Oh well.

Happy Saturday!

On feeling like a fraud

[This post is not meant to elicit words of encouragement, and I am not fishing for compliments, I am simply laying out how I am feeling at the moment. And I’ll be honest, I haven’t been feeling well for over a month. In fact, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, but, with that said, I am hopeful that this dreadful mood will pass.]

I feel like a fraud.

It says I am a writer in my Twitter bio, my mother proudly tells everyone that I am a writer when they ask what I do for a living, and I even have a link to my writing samples on this website, but how can I be a writer if I can’t write anymore?

“But you’re writing right now, Stacey!”

Yes, I am writing this post, but it’s just me complaining about how terrible I am at everything I attempt and that is easy for me to do. I’ve been doing it my whole adult life.

When you’re a writer, you (usually) write every day. Or at least a few times a week.

When you’re a writer, you (usually) can come up with subjects to write about.

When you’re a writer, you (usually) know how to put those ideas together to form a cohesive post or article.

And I can’t do any of that any more.

I try writing every day, but I usually trash it, or it’s fiction pieces that I’ve based on myself in which I write about how I wish my life had turned out. Pieces that will never see the light of day, or be shown to any other human being for fear of the deep belly laughs that will no doubt emanate from their bodies once they’ve read three or four lines.

I also can’t come up with things to write about, and if I do, I usually psyche myself out and I convince myself that I have absolutely chance of turning those ideas into a good post or article. I’ll read what other people write and think, “I could never do that.”

I have been trying to write a piece for The Hardball Times for over a month now and it’s still a work in progress. I’ve written more than half of it, but I can’t bring myself to finish it yet. Is it fear? Partly. But it’s not a fear of rejection, or a fear that the audience, or, more to the point, my editor won’t like it. It’s actually a subject that other people would say is right in my wheelhouse, when my addled brain isn’t giving me fits, and yet, I am afraid I can’t do the subject justice.

I read other people’s work all the time, and instead of encouraging me, I feel awful afterward. And when those same people, who write these intricate tales, riveting accounts, and brilliant columns are lumped into the same group as me, I feel terrible for them because their writing is usually head and shoulders above mine.

And you may think those tweets, where my name is included among a bunch of really talented baseball bloggers, and it’s recommended that people read our work make me feel good, but they don’t.

They make me feel like a fraud.

This past week my work was put into a collection of pieces written by women sports writers and the pieces on the list were amazing. You had investigative pieces, personal essays, and then you had my piece which was okay, I guess. And to make matters worse, the people I am with in that list have advanced degrees like their Master’s or PhD. They have majored in history or literature, or both! They are former lawyers. They are currently in grad school. They are currently journalism majors. They are published authors. They are currently employed by magazines and major sports websites. Meanwhile I barely graduated high school, and on most days, still can’t believe I actually graduated college and earned a Bachelor’s.

The amusing thing is, I submitted some pieces into the list just because a lot of other people I know where doing it and I thought, “Why the hell not?” But once it was published, and I saw the other pieces, I felt sick to my stomach. I felt inadequate. I felt like a fraud.

If I were truly a sportswriter, I would be able to write all the time about a myriad of subjects. I’d be able to write a quick blurb when there’s breaking news, or write a column about how I feel when certain transactions are made. I would be able to effortlessly research, outline, and then churn out something at least once a week, maybe more, but I just can’t do it, and I don’t think I ever really could.

And that’s why I feel like a fraud.

Greetings 2016!

I know that the last thing people need, or want, is to read a “new year, new me!” type of blog post. They’re so tired and cliched, and it seems like everyone writes them, but I don’t care. I’m writing one anyway! So if you don’t like that sort of thing, click away from this page right now – and thanks for the page view. If you do like that sort of thing, or if you’re just curious as to what I’d like to accomplish in the next 365 days (starting tomorrow) keep reading.

2015 was not a great year for me writing-wise and I want, no, I need 2016 to be better. I need to write more because I slacked off a bit in 2015, and I also need to challenge myself to write about more complex subjects. And I must stop being afraid. Who cares if people don’t like what I’m writing or if they don’t agree with what I’m writing? That happens to everyone no matter how good they are. There’s always someone out there who will say something negative even if the piece isn’t bad. And to go along with writing about things that are out of my comfort zone, I would like to venture into writing about other sports. I’ve already done basketball recaps so maybe I can give football, hockey or soccer a shot this time. We shall see.

As for some of the smaller changes I would like to make, I would really like it if I could not let insignificant things bother me, but I am afraid I’ve already failed on that one. I see things on Twitter sometimes that drive me batty and it’s never anything that’s worth fussing over. And the solution to that is…

Staying off social media more. I must stop being so reliant on social media as a substitute for my non-existent, real life social life. It’s also a distraction from writing and that is not a good thing. Avoiding social media will also allow more time for the next thing I’d like to do more of in 2016.

I want to read more. I have a ton of books that are sitting in my room and collecting dust that need to be opened and explored. I even may try to read one book a week because I don’t want to go too crazy with my goals, and I think that’s definitely doable. I’d also like to read more articles, instead of skimming through things. The fact that I can’t drink coffee right now may help with that which brings me to…

Eating healthier. Well, I am forced to do this because I am currently having issues with my gallbladder. It’s a family thing, apparently. So no fried food or processed foods for me for a while. Plus, coffee makes me feel awful which makes me so sad. I love coffee and I will miss it.

But, on the plus side, this low-fat, healthier diet should help me lose some of the weight I gained in 2015 so it’s not all bad, right?

More 2016 goals:

  • Cleaning my room (actually finishing what I started last month).
  • Throwing out things I don’t need.
  • Creating a writing space.
  • Finding a new therapist.
  • Going back on my meds.
  • Continue growing out my hair. I want to see how long it can get.

And finally, having an income is my biggest goal for 2016 which is why I saved it for last. Even if it means working from home, I just need a job of some sort. I would prefer something that won’t stress me out because stress usually sends my bipolar into a tailspin and that’s not good for me or my family. I cannot have a repeat of 2010 or early 2012. Freelancing is good and I’m thrilled I have the chance to do it, but I can barely pay for my monthly cellphone bill and I’d like to become a semi-functioning adult in 2016.

Having a job and writing on the side would be ideal. Of course, I’ve said this many other times but hopefully 2016 will be different.

Maybe?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,875 other followers