La douleur exquise is the story of my life. I always want what I can’t have, I never learn from my previous mistakes and I keep trying for the unattainable.
It happens in love, work, and friendship.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve anything. Like I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be loved by someone. I don’t deserve to be in a reciprocated relationship. I must always be the one in pain, the one who’s longing for someone they can’t have, who doesn’t want her back, who would never want her back.
My question is, how did this happen?
At what point in my life did I decide that I didn’t deserve love? Was the feeling always there? Has every decision I’ve made resulted from a little voice in my head telling me that I was never good enough? Did something happen when I was younger that I pushed to the inner recesses of my brain that I can’t recall? Have I been rejected so many times that I’ve given up trying?
Yep. That’s it.
I’ve simply given up. Every time I try, I’m rejected. Every time someone wants me, they’re already taken. Every time someone shows an interest in me, they discover the real me, and leave soon after.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Some people just are. They their live life watching as their friends and family fall in love, get married, and have children. They become honorary aunts and uncles to their friends’ children. They sit home at night, listening to love songs, wondering why nothing has worked out for them. They watch TV shows and snarl at every couple because they’ll never have what they have – even the bickering couples.
Or maybe that’s just me.
And people will say that I have to go out and meet people or they’ll say, “You’re still young! You have plenty of time!” Do I really have plenty of time? I’m almost 42 years-old. I think my expiration date has come and gone.
At this point, if by some miracle, I do meet someone, fall in love, and heaven forbid, they actually love me back just as much, I’m too old to have a child. And what are the chances that I’d meet someone in my age range who’s never been married and who isn’t undesirable?
Oh God, that’s me.
I’m that person you always hear about. The weirdo who’s still single in their 40s. The person who wasn’t good enough for anyone in her 20s and 30s so why would she be good enough now?